indecisive

what is my ambition??? i used to know it clear and would able to answer it with confident... however, it has gone... i have been living in the shadow of my failure for quite some time... i have always wanted to kick my ass out from the flash in the pan... i just failed to do so... i am not strong enough for that, i guess... thinking over and over again... what i want to do in the future??? who i wanna be??? what kind of life i want??? i am not certain about my future... i cant see any further from upper six... it seriously bother me a lot these days... i am trying to find the answer... to be precise, trying to know who i actually am... i think i lost myself... maybe i am too desperate to be normal, to blend in with everyone else around me... i dont want to be a special-less freak... all i want is to be myself, understand myself... it seems simple in words but utterly not when you are dealing with it... know what, i actually browsed through some career descriptions to find out which i keen on and which suits me best... medical studies??? i dont think it suits me anymore... i mean i flunked my scholarship application for medical studies... so, it proves that i am not that type... business??? i think i like it but the problem is am i the business type??? forensic science??? yea, i like it... still, it is somehow another version of medical studies... so, same question again, am i that type??? law??? well, i think my personality may not suit this field... pharmacy??? i am straight about it... no deviation presence... psychologist??? well, i think i myself need one... see, how puzzle i am... see, how cowardice i am, i should say... cowardice in me sometimes halting me from doing things... i think what i can do is keep trying to find my interest... perhaps, i should snap away the coward me...